Donnerstag, 27. Dezember 2012

Stuck in the Labyrinth

NS2515 : Labyrinth of stones by Andrew GuthriePerhaps thinking really is the root of all evil, the source of all unhappiness.
Look at me half a year ago: quite obviously there was nothing wrong with my life, nothing, except the nagging  doubt in my mind. There were just so many unanswered questions; questions I tried not to think about because they only made me miserable, but I literally couldn't. One cannot stop thinking simply because  one wishes to. And the more I thought about them; the more I thought in general, the more I felt the sadness creeping in and seeping through my whole being.

What will become of my life? How shall I ever choose the right path for my future in this labyrinth of possibilities? What do I really want? Will I ever find someone with whom I can be just myself? Why am I so different from everyone I know? Why do I always have to pretend in society; pretend I like people I can't stand, pretend I'm interested in their trivialities, pretend I am just like them? Why can't I keep my mouth shut when I know it's better to be quiet? Why do I quarrel with almost everyone? Why do I feel best when I am hidden away from the world, reading? Why is the world inside my mind so much more beautiful than the one outside? Why is my life so boring? Will it ever be anything else? Am I making myself unhappy because I expect too much? How could I think myself in any way special, expect something special for me? Do I even want this life at all? What would be so bad about throwing it away? Why can't I just give up?  And, the ever classic: Is there a sense in life? What for am I on earth? When I die, will something remain apart from dust and shadows?

You see, five minutes in my mind are probably enough to drive anyone mad. But there is another especially burning question, one which may explain to you why exactly I refused to read anything since August.
Perhaps it is my own fault that I am so unhappy? Perhaps I have made myself sad by reading too much, perhaps the books have simply planted unrealistic ideas in my mind? Perhaps I would not be so unsatisfied with the real world if I had never entered the world between the pages of a book?
I have no answer to this, but I tried to find one by changing my life completely. I tried to be a typical teenager, just like everyone else around me. I tried to stop thinking, stop caring, I went out a lot, drank and smoked. Needless to say, instead of feeling happy I slowly started to hate everyone, and above all myself.

And now? Now I am back. Changed and with a vast collection of new scars, but still back. I realised I missed a part of myself, in fact I missed the very part of me that makes me myself. This part is hard to define, but blogging, reading the classics and all of you definitely belong to it.
I know that I will have to make a lot of changes on this blog (and in my life) and I don't quite know yet which direction things are going to take, but I am back for good. If you still want me, that is.

Kommentare:

  1. Well honey, you just made my day! So glad you're back!

    And I don't know what to say other than do what makes you happy. You're at a tough age (I went through similar things) and it doesn't seem like ANYTHING will make you happy. So keep looking, always look, always try to see beauty, don't ever feel like you have to be someone you're not (I say that from the heart - I tried to be what I felt I ought to have been and it damn near killed me). Never feel bad about what makes you happy and don't let go.

    Keep going forward and put up with the struggles, because one day it will get good. :)

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    1. Thank you dear :)
      I've really missed your inspiring words.

      I know that this is probably just the typical misery of adolescence, but it doesn't feel like that, not at all...

      Anyway, I'm so glad you haven't forgotten me xxx

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  2. I'm so sorry you've been having such a rough time! I missed your posts but I imagined you having fun and still reading. (I'm reading a Czech book set in WWI and so I've frequently thought of you when the Kaiser Franz Joseph is mentioned!)

    We all live in a pretty screwed-up world. I would bet that many of the kids you tried to fit in with are miserable too--turning off your mind and heart is the popular solution, but as you found out it doesn't work at all.

    It really does get better. There are kindred spirits in the world, although for some reason they usually don't appear until college (I don't know why--colleges are full of non-kindred spirits too--but since then they don't seem as hard to find).

    Well, it's not like I have a lot of wisdom to share, but I'm glad you're back and that you plan to stick around.

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    1. Thank you, Jean! I'll just try to keep my head up and wait for college.
      I'm glad to be back in touch with you and of course happy that good old Kaiser Franz Joseph makes you think of me :)

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  3. It turns out we've been asking ourselves many of the same questions over the past few months. *hug and handclasp*

    I remember writing a poem at about your age wondering when I change if I'm becoming more like me or less like myself. :) You sound delightfully human to me!

    I am sorry that you have been having such a hard time inside. Sometimes the hard bits of our lives carve out spaces for the love and happiness to come. I remind myself that it would be a shame to resign myself to a thimble-full of happiness because offering that part of myself hurts less initially than opening my whole soul to people and life does.

    If we want to be loved and cherished for ourselves we have to be willing to allow people to see and experience the real us. It's terrifying and freeing at the same time. It can feel like we are sending smoke signals into the sky from an uncharted island sometimes, hoping that someone from a passing ship or plane will find and come for us. It can mean a lot of waiting. But it is also working while we are waiting- becoming the best and truest us so we are sending out the clearest and brightest signal of which we are capable. It may take awhile, but friends and help will come if you keep living and you keep asking.

    I have missed your thoughts and your words. I'm wishing you a new year of happy writing, happier living, and happy reading!

    Love ya, babe!

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    1. Ah, dear Melanie, as always I can only wonder where this wisdom comes from!
      I am glad you understand me, although I sincerely hope you've had a better time than me.
      Thank you so much for all the love and encouragement I certainly don't deserve <3

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    2. http://melanie.boudwin.net/a-certain-crossroad/

      <3

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  4. I was wondering where you had gone, I really missed your thoughts and reviews.

    I've had depression since I was 15 (I'm now 26), there have been periods where it has been more intense and periods where I've been more free. I worry constantly about whether I am doing the right thing with my life, about everything really and it's been a long journey to learn to live with it a bit. I think there's no answer to unhappiness but I have learned that life can be tough, so no one should feel guilty for taking whatever pleasure they can from it, as long as it doesn't hurt anyone else. For me, books give me a lot of joy so I don't feel guilty about reading them or being 'different'. I reckon do whatever makes you happy and don't look back!

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    1. I'm so sorry you've had to struggle with something so terrible. I'm afraid I can understand all to well what it feels like...
      Like you, reading and writing make me happy, so I'm glad I've recognised that and am back here in the wonderful community of book bloggers.

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  5. Someone, I'm not sure who, spoke about "a well considered life" being the way to happiness. Taking a step back, trying new things and then realizing it's OK to be you, shows intelligence of the best kind. I look forward to following your future blog posts.

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    1. That certainly sounds true. Thank you and welcome to my little blog :)

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  6. I'm so sorry to hear you've been having such a difficult time of it, Cassandra. It's difficult sometimes to step out of ourselves and not get caught up in a spiral of doubts and self-questioning--I've had those times too. I hope that your return to books and this part of your self that you have been missing will give you the boost you need. I've missed seeing you around, and hope all will be well. Keeping you in my thoughts.

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    1. Thank you Amanda! I'm feeling much more positive already.
      I've missed you too, it's good to be back :)

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  7. Depression is a serious problem...I know from experience. I also was a teenager many years ago, but still remember that feeling of "outsider-ness" and wanting to be part of something. When I got to where I thought I wanted to be, I really didn't like myself. Stay true to yourself. Get some professional help if you think you need it (I did). Be kind to yourself.

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    1. Thank you, I'm trying to. Life is hard right now, but who knows what it will be like in a year or two? I'll have to stick around to find out.

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  8. Welcome back! I, too, am in a similar state of flux, so I understand how you're feeling -- even if the circumstances behind it are quite different from yours. And can I just say...we missed you. :)

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